#14) ROCKY & BULLWINKLE UPDATE September 4, 2008


Rocky&Bullwinkle.JPG


Editor's Note:

Unfortunately, due to the large number of complaints and threats of lawsuits (and at least one death threat) received from outraged Eskimos as a result of the last installment, this blog has been relegated to status of Failed Enterprise. Consequently, as of today April 1, 2007, we will no longer be updating this blog.

However, feel free to scroll down and peruse our archives, especially #2) "My e-Mail Box."

We extend our sincere apologies to any blubber-ing reactionaries we may have offended by our pernicious prose and solemnly pledge to avoid such stereotyping of any cultural, ethnic, religious, or furbearing groups in the future. Our webmaster, Mr. Ugly, has been advised to enroll in sensitivity classes at the earliest possible date.

The Management of Showcrafters, Inc.
showcrafters(AT)aol.com

SAFETY.pdf

Alien Cow Abduction...A Serious Problem



#13) When You Can't Remember the Words


Whether you're a tipsy country-western twanger or a thoroughly crocked nightclub crooner, it is perfectly acceptable to make up lyrics when you can't remember the words to a song.

Ninety-nine-point-nine percent of the audience members at these venues aren't even going to notice. And the ones that do notice will likely be too pickled to protest...

Suggested alternate lyrics you won't easily forget:

(1) Back-ups for the tune, "Help Me Make It Through the Night"

Take this pigeon from my hair

shake him loose and make him fall


Tell him not to get up there

or I'll nail him to the wall...


Don't tell me that it's wrong

and I don't care how-many-animal-rights-activists-try-to-get-in-my-face


Let the devil smoke a Marlboro

but I don't need no feathered friend...


(You get the idea!)

(2) Back-ups for the tune, "I Wish You Love"

I wish you bluebirds up your nose

and lots of runs in all your hose


Hope you get mugged by Eskimos

in mid-July...


You'll find no shelter from the swarm

of killer bees down on your farm


Or from the tax man's outstretched arm

before you die...


(...and so forth. Just get creative. YOU take it from here!)

Thank you. Thank you very much...

Karaoke Kyle

CARTOONS

-----------------------------------------



#12) Letter to An American English Professor


My Dear Professor Bertsch:

I am thoroughly gobsmacked by what you Americans have done to compromise proper usage of the formal English language. It's time you waked up and smelt the writing on the wall, or you may well one day find yourselves out on a proverbial creek without a limb to stand on!

You have truly opened a whole can of Pandora's boxes when it becomes acceptable for everyone from pundits to politicians to gratuitously mix metaphors, mangle maxims, and make malignant, mind-boggling fox paws as you happily sophomorize the sanctity of semantics by making up words that did not previously exist, by misappropriating and mispronouncing others, and as you egregious errors of grammer, speling, and sintax make.

(For entertainment here at the college, we often sit around and listen to digital recordings of Americans butchering terms like arctic glacier and privacy schedule.)

Hang your participles and your misplaced modifiers! There is much at steak here. I believe you are sadly misshapen if you think there are no long term linguistic or perhaps even nucular consequences in a society where careless grammatical, syntactic, and even typograffical errors go unchallenged in every sphere of communication from advertising print to international diplomacy, even though a single inappropriate arrangement of words, sloppy punctuation, or even a misplaced letter can - quite literally - spell the difference between making a sale and invoking Armageddon!

How would you feel if your publisher delivered 10,000 copies of your new book, emblazoned, "How to Start and Ruin a Small Proofreading Business" ?

Or, what if you announced, "We will not be having class this Friday in honor of your fellow student, who was killed by a Humvee this week for the purpose of attending his funeral"?!

You begin to catch my drips...

Imagine the flood of controversy (that's another word you Yanks have a hard time with) if you were to e-mail your students: "Next week we are going to begin a study of words that sound the same but are spelled differently. So write a three-page essay containing at least fifty pairs of homophobic words."

I wrest my case...


Sincerely yours,

Cedric Wellington III
Professor of Punditry and Punctuation
Oxford-Upon-Avon Lady-in-the-Fields College
Worcestershirefershire, England

-----------------------------------------



#11) Sympathy Letter to the President


Mr. George W. Bush
Or Current President
c/o The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, D.C. 205006

Dear Mr. President:

Recently I visited your website, Whitehouse.org. I was surprised to see that you really do have a sense of humor after all; that self-deprecating and occasionally coarse humor was unexpected but refreshing.

In any case, I just wanted to let you know that I am a political moderate, but wanted to express my deepest sympathy for the significant losses experienced by your party this midterm election.

I know what it is like to experience rejection. Just a few months ago Paramount Pictures turned down my action/thriller screenplay entitled "Doom Cops", about a vigilante world police organization that sets out to impose democracy on lawless, violent, totalitarian regimes around the world. They called it "farfetched."

Anyway, if you ever need someone to talk to, please let me know. Try your best to ignore those cruel pundits who say you have spent all of your political capital and are surviving on credit cards. I have a lot of sympathy for recovery victims. I once nursed an injured, lame duck nearly back to health before it got sucked into a jet engine, so I am experienced in this kind of emotional support and caregiving.

Feeling your pain,

Mister Ugly

-----------------------------------------



#10) Googling Ghosts


Come on, admit it. We all know you've done it.

There have been times--when the boss wasn't around, or perhaps in a moment of boredom--that you Googled, out of curiosity, something really strange.

No, I'm not talking prurient here. You wouldn't think of submitting a search like Lewdmilla + Slutskaya + Russian + Tennis + Model + Photos, or anything like that.

But there was the time, following a tiff with the shipping department, that your wandering mind began to ponder the esoterics of decapitation and you found links to Mike the Chicken or his less durable human counterpart, Languille.

Of course we can't leave out Google's fascinating return to your paranormal + manifestations query, or crocodile + attacks + recent, or perhaps Guinness + world + record + cobra + kissing. On the other hand, there was your rather disappointing result from obituaries + new + (name of your ex).

In processing your word search for petite + challenged, I suspect you discovered that there have been some real "whoppers" throughout history. More than one unfortunate soul has departed this life while tipping the scales at well over half-a-ton. But the all-time winner appears to have been a man of Biblical proportions, King Solomon's military commander Benaiah. People have survived collapsing buildings, landslides and being run over by four-thousand-pound automobiles. But the Old Testament says that Benaiah "fell upon" people, "so that [they] died."

Mundane or macabre, you must admit it's amazing the stuff that Google can find for you!

And then there's the most important Google search of all: Google + how to + erase + search + history.

-----------------------------------------



#9) Fireside Chat


Several news outlets recently reported that a growing number of scientists believe that Neanderthals stayed around thousands of years longer than previously thought.

In fact, some observers now theorize that our primitive cousins--supposedly on a disparate and dead end evolutionary path--are still alive and well and actually have a plan to infiltrate not only our genetic pool, but our state governments as well. They cite the election of Jesse Ventura in Minnesota, Arnold Schwarzenegger in California and--the most recent verifiable evidence supporting this hypothesis--the surprisingly popular goobernutorial candidacy of "Caveman" Kinky Friedman in Texas.

Other researchers suggest that the incidence of Neanderthalism in the U.S. may in reality be quite significant, and hope to bolster their theory by proving that there are both direct genetic, as well as ideological, links between Kinky and his sizeable number of enthusiastic supporters.

For the cigar-puffing Kinky--whose contributions to the bawdy politick in Texas thus far include a considerable cache of grunt-like expletives, eye-popping racial provocations, and merciless verbal clubbings of career politicians--the wheels of government do NOT turn slowly...

They haven't been invented yet.

Kinky has comforting words for homo sapiens who are potentially fearful of such a "cave-dweller" conspiracy:

"But if you're paranoid long enough, sooner or later you're gonna be right" ~ Kinky Friedman

-----------------------------------------



#8) Local Headlines From Around The World...


Local Bartender to Star in Horror Movie Sequel "Liquids On A Plane"

Texas Clerics Issue Fatwar Against Krispy Kreme Donut Franchise

Vegan Sues After Shocking Discovery of Chicken Finger in Dairy Queen Meal; In Macabre Twist, Chicken Finger Wearing Onion Ring

Physically Challenged Advocates Ask California Judge to Toss "Dwarf" Planet Status for Pluto

Blind Man Exonerated on Groping Charges...Duh!

Pope Caught on Video Beatifying Poor Peasants; Faithful Flock to Catholic Gift Shop After Multiple Reported Virgin Mary Sightings

-----------------------------------------



#7) U.S. Couch Potato Association Championships Tainted By Scandal


The USCPA (often mistaken for the accounting organization with the same acronym) suffered a severe setback to its credibility this week when the 2006 champion, Buford McFatridge of Euless Texas, failed to pass a random blood test.

It was hoped that the Couch Potato Championships, created in response to the epidemic of performance-enhancing drug abuse in professional sports, would provide a wholesome television viewing alternative for disillusioned sports fans by eliminating any large financial incentives for competitors.

In the case of the USCPA, it had always been assumed that such an approach would automatically discourage the illicit use of nonperformance-enhancing substances.

The annually televised USCPA event highlights several endurance competitions including: reality TV show watching, channel surfing, household chore avoidance, nap duration, synchronized recliner elevation, beer drinking, salty snack scarfing, and armchair arm wrestling (the armchair generally wins this event).

Mr. McFatridge was disqualified when his blood test reportedly indicated elevated levels of synthetic cholesterol. A USCPA spokesman was not immediately available for comment.

-----------------------------------------



#6) THE LIFE OF A PIRATE revisited


Smother me mother

and jiggle me squid

I don't care a bob

and I don't give a quid



For robbing and plunder

upon the high seas

A class action lawsuit

is more apt to please



It's far too much trouble

to dig buried treasure

It's high time to employ

a more lucrative measure



"Find" something strange

in your burger or chow

And your favorite fast food

becomes your cash cow



Has some lubber recently

stepped on your toe

Damaged your psyche

or called you a "Ho'"?



Some dysfunctional jury

is bound to show pity

So let down your anchor

and head for the city



Why take a chance

on facing the gallows

When you could be at the lakehouse

a-roasting marshmallows?



Seasickness and scurvy?

that's strictly old-school

Retain a good counsel

and don't play the fool!



Sue your own granny

your neighbor, your gal

In brief, a good lawyer's

a pirate's best pal!



-----------------------------------------



#5) Conversation With My Daughter


"Daddy, when I graduate from college, I want to get a job in public broadcasting."

I hesitated.

"That's a very noble ambition...but it won't be easy, sweetie."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you are an extraordinarily pretty girl, and you have such a nice, clear speaking voice."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"I don't mean to discourage you, but people on public radio, for example, are enormously talented but frequently sound...well, different. Perhaps distinctive is a better word."

She looked thoroughly confused.

"What are you saying? That if I don't happen to sound like, say, cottonmouth Daniel Schorr, deliberating Diane Rehm, or give that man a drink of water Peter Overby, I don't have a chance?"

"It could make it more difficult."

"Well, what about public television?"

"Punkin, I think you can become anything you want to be. You should pursue whatever will make you happy. But have you seen the people on public television? Margaret Warner, Jim Lehrer, Gwen Ifell, Ray Suarez...these are gifted, consummate professionals, but they're not exactly..."

"HOT?"

"I didn't mean that."

"Yes you did. Maybe I should just try to make it as a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader!"

"Now, sweetie, don't get upset. I have only your best interest at heart. I think you should give it your best shot. You have my blessing."

"Thanks, Daddy. But first I should get a makeunder, right?"

(I sensed that a reply on my part was not in order. But whatever works...)

Now that I think about it, Terry Gross, Robert Siegel and Melissa Block all have very pleasant speaking voices. But rumor has it that Terry is, after all, a thespian.

-----------------------------------------



#4) PARAMOUNT SAYS NO TO "DOOM COPS"


Here is the text of my recent rejection notice from Paramount:

"Thanks to you and your agent for submitting your screenplay for our consideration.

Although we found it to be well-written, we regret to inform you that your script entitled Doom Cops has been rejected.

An action/adventure thriller about a stammering, lily-white Texas oilman and an erudite, black female scholar from Alabama teaming up as the world's policepersons and fighting to enforce democracy in lawless, violent, totalitarian regimes around the world is simply too farfetched and implausible to have any kind of mass appeal to our audiences.

Best wishes in your future writing endeavors."

Paramount Pictures

-----------------------------------------



#3) Baker's Bombs and Betty Crocker Crack


Until recently, you could get great deals at Sam’s Club on family-size quantities of their Sudafed knock-off sinus tabs. Great bargain for large, allergy-ridden households! Also, you could purchase big, 2-pack bottles of hydrogen peroxide, an economical mouthwash and germ killer.

Not any more.

Thanks to the burgeoning methamphetamine market, you now have to go down the street to Walmart and ask for minute quantities of the good stuff they keep carefully hidden behind the counter. Even then, you feel you are being scrutinized for the telltale physical signs of a disintegrating meth-head. (Note: If you have the misfortune of having bad teeth, be sure and speak to the clerk out of the side of your mouth and make every effort not to smile.)

Since terrorists discovered that hydrogen peroxide is a wonderful bombmaking ingredient, the large brown bottles at Sam’s have also, coincidentally, disappeared.

According to our trusted internet sources, drug addicts and terrorist bombmakers – having pooled their considerable talents for chemical improvisation – will shortly launch their latest development: a designer drug/plastic explosive hybrid made entirely from milk, eggs, and flour. (Before you write this threat off as another urban myth or lame conspiracy theory, just look up flour bombs on Wikipedia.) You are already familiar with Milk Duds, I'm sure. What do you suppose happens to the ones that aren't "Duds"? What if you bought a box that accidentally had some of the live ones mixed in? Or did you ever try to heat up a hard-boiled egg in the microwave (even with the shell cracked)? Don't try this at home...I tried it, once.

Be careful who you talk to. If this information somehow gets into the hands of the Department of Homemaking Security, we're sunk.

Don't say you weren't warned, should these "staple" items suddenly disappear from the shelves at your local grocer...

-----------------------------------------



#2) My e-Mailbox


Sometimes when my mailbox is empty and bare
my cursor is cursing and no one is there

I’ll sit down and e-mail myself all the news
(no one will know so I’ve nothing to lose)

With meticulous prose I describe with precision
what I’ve been doing without supervision

The shopping, the laundry, the crisis at work
the kids have been great, but my spouse is a jerk

I read with great interest details of the week
and then I reply to myself, tongue-in-cheek

I spell-check my text and before I hit “send”
I copy myself, then I do it again

In a matter of minutes my mailbox is packed
with nice juicy tidbits of fiction and fact

For a time I am flattered, my mailbox is crammed
‘til I recognize, oh my God, I’ve been SPAMMED!

-----------------------------------------



#1) THE LIFE OF A PIRATE


Shiver me skivvies

and scuttle me butt

I could be a pirate

and just take a cut



Of plunder and booty

(especially the latter)

and then I’d retire

and keep getting fatter



But the voice of my conscience

deep down inside

reminds me that piracy’s

not a free ride



So when I am tempted,

and taken, and smitten

by programs and apps

I myself have not written



Or by movies and songs

someone else has produced

by which I and my mates

find we could be seduced



I’ll not render copies

for free distribution

lest I be a target

of cruel retribution



By lubbers with much deeper

pockets than me

like MGM, Sony,

Adobe, HP



I’ll just man the topsoil

and tend to my plants

no walking the plankton

or taking a chance



Yes, the life of a pirate

may seem rather grand

but in light of the brig,

it’s much safer on land!